Hold up. Rewind. I know. Where did the kid come from? Shortly after we visited them, she and her friend came to live with us. A roommate at the time, who lived in the room in the garage, recently went to jail due to drinking and driving. This gave two young women a place to stay away from a house mostly full of men.

However, only three months later, I made one of the single worst decisions of my life and sent her away. Initially, it was exciting and lustful. We went to the beach, drove up Hwy 1, went to dinner, watched movies, and spent a lot of time together. It was my misjudgment, whether influenced by fear, external factors, or past influences, that made me feel she needed to leave. The night before I dropped her at the airport, I told her sending her away was a bad idea.

To this day, I still feel that way for the most part, but there’s a part of me that thinks it was the right decision. Not because I didn’t love her. Not because she didn’t love me. Looking back, the external factors negatively influencing our relationship needed to be pushed out. After sending her away, I struggled but slowly let her have the benefit of the doubt I kept from her due to my own selfishness and resentment.

Not long after sending her back, I received the call. She was pregnant. I knew then that my gut feeling not to send her away was correct. However, the reason I may have had that gut feeling had more to it. I had wronged her. I was young, stubborn, and had placed trust in the wrong places. Even when told she was lying about being pregnant or that I should get a paternity test, I believed her and trusted her. To this day, no such test on my son has been done, and as far as I’m concerned, none ever will.

I brought her back, not because it was right or because she was pregnant, but because it was for me. It was a selfish decision. There’s always been a question of whether we would be together without the kids, but “what ifs” are not questions I ask about my life. There’s no logic or reason to them except to invoke regret. No thank you.

One of my proudest moments, fondest memories, and greatest contributions was standing in that hospital, holding my firstborn. I can never thank her enough for giving him to me, for sharing him with me, and for raising him with me.